You can discover that you have a fetish at any time of your life, at any age. A fetish my develop, wax or wane, and for many people this experience is a journey into the unknown. It can be frightening, and make you feel alone or strange. However, if you are mindful of the following points, you can come to terms with any kind of fetish and probably lose any anxiety or shame you have associated with it. It can often even become a rewarding and positive part of your life!
1. Like it or loathe, your kink exists!
Whilst individual partialisms might be rare, most people have them in one form or another. Fetishes exist for almost anything you can think of; body parts, items of clothing, fictional creatures, practises both harsh and gentle, and role-playing to name but a few categories.
2. There are Others Like You
Whilst everyone is unique, there are almost certainly many other people in the world who share your fetish and like similar things. Find and join an internet forum on the subject, and don’t be scared to contribute! Most have a dedicated area for new people to introduce themselves, and this is a great place to start. Fetlife is a social networking site dedicated to fetish, whether as a way of life or not, and contains thousands of groups set up by users based on almost any fetish you can think of.
4. Fetish and Relationships
Many people are shy to discuss their fetishes with their partner for fear of a bad reaction. It’s debatable when it is best to mention it, and the answer is that it will vary based on the people involved, their sexual nature and the nature of the fetish concerned. It is very unlikely that a fetish will be enough to cause a rift between partners, but please be understanding if your partner is not willing or able to indulge you. Whether this would be a dealbreaker is something only you can decide. Often, a bad or unwilling reaction will be a result of shock or confusion, and it is possible that your partner may come around to the idea later, or at least come up with a kind of compromise whereby you might find a place for your fetish during sex. Don’t pester them about it though!
5. It’s Good to Talk!
Similarly, you can help both yourself and others by talking about your fetish. Joining fetish communities can help you not only to expand your horizons regarding your own fetish, but to learn about others, too. As well as topic-specific groups, Fetlife also contains geographical groups, in which you can see and interact with other members in your area. Most areas also have Munches (meetups) which offer a safe and friendly opportunity to discuss all aspects of fetish. In my experience, such Munches are very accommodating and every care is taken to make them a safe and positive experience for everyone present.
Discussing your fetish with others, when you feel comfortable, is also a great way to widen visibility and contribute to normalising it in general terms. You may be surprised when you mention it to friends or lovers that they may well already be familiar with it!
6. Adult industries do cater to most kinks (Rule 34)
There are many adult websites dedicated to fetishes of myriad kinds, but a quick search on most sites will cater to most. There are a lot of adult stars online who create specialist fetish videos and often custom work too.
7. Difficult Fetishes and Damage Limitation
There are some fetishes which, rightly or wrongly, simply aren’t socially acceptable in their pure form. Some of these are harmless, and all of the above rules apply to them, except that you will probably want to be more discreet about them offline except with the people you are closest with. Others, on the other hand, are more challenging to deal with because you might find yourself with a fetish the expression of which would directly harm others against their will and could get you into serious trouble. It’s important to remember that you’re not alone, and as stated above your fetish cannot control you if you do not let it, but you may want to join a support group or seek professional help if you feel that you are withdrawing from society because of your secret.
The good news is that most of these difficult fetishes can be catered to via harmless roleplay, which you are sure to find somewhere online, though you must always remember the boundary between roleplay and reality.
8. Your Fetish is not Your Politics!
It’s not unusual to have a fetish that seemingly contradicts your political or moral beliefs. That’s because taboos are sexy- people like the feeling that they are being a bit naughty (though your mileage may vary on the definition of ‘a bit…’)! This is one of the reasons why it is considered very bad netiquette to ‘kink-shame’ others for what they do or enjoy in a safe and private way. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, you aren’t doing anything wrong.
9. Fetishes Do Not Control You.
You might find yourself tempted by your fetish. Remember though, if you do something immoral or of which you would be ashamed, you can’t blame it on your fetish. A sane human being is responsible for their actions, whether drunk, high or sexually aroused. Coming to terms with and understanding your fetishes will help you to understand when you feel influenced by them, and hopefully enable you to avoid that.
10. Don’t Force Your Fetish on Others.
As a participant in fetish communities and a regular reader of the subreddit r/creepypms, I am very familiar with people using the anonymity of the internet along with the relative rarity of their fetish to take advantage of others against their will for their sexual pleasure. Common strategies include seemingly innocent roleplay, bogus surveys ‘for a school project’ and requests for video challenges that cater to that person’s fetish (Youtube is rife with the latter). Don’t be that guy. Again, coming to terms with your fetish and realising you are not alone will help you find other ways to express yourself without becoming a creeper.